The Public Bush-Whack!
I frequently find that clients in marriage therapy ridicule, criticise, or put each other down in social settings. Later, when the offended partner brings the matter up in private a heated argument often ensues.
The dynamics of the public bush-whack are interesting.
1. When the public bush-whack occurs, it may be taken as a form of sarcastic teasing by witnesses and may not harm the social relationships. Or if there is harm it may be hard for the offending individual or couple to detect. Therefore, there may be no consequences to the self-defeating practice of publicly bush-whacking a mate and it may continue unabated.
2. When the mate complains to their partner about the incident, the offender can play it off as, "you're just over sensitive and making mountains out of mole hills". This allows a double insult: one in public and another in private ("you just have a problem with sensitivity").
3. The bush-whack works well for the offender who is basically passive-aggressive. Such an individual does not like a direct fight or argument. They prefer to "get-even" for their quietly accumulated grievances against their partner in more subtle ways. For them the public bush-whack is just the ticket! Of course, it is a very bad practice because it solves nothing, creates more problems, and increases hostility in the relationship.
4. Sometimes the offender actually likes to fight! It may be hard for you to believe, but some folks want and prefer to have great fights in their relationships. With this dynamic, the offender may be paired with a partner who also likes to fight...and so, they are "off to the races"! Sometimes, however, the bushwhacker is paired with a passive partner who avoids conflict whenever he or she can. In this case the offender has found a great tool for suckering their peaceful partner into a fight. Even peaceful people can become righteously indignant when they have been publicly humiliated by the bush-whack. When the victim protests later in private, the bush-whacker can then work the confrontation into a full-blown fight. Mission accomplished!
In relationships, the public bush-whack is both a self-destructive communication style and a devious way to initiate a fight.
If there is a lot of bush-whacking in your relationship, you had better seek professional help before it is too late.
God Bless, Dr. Tom
5/20/10
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Look-Out For The "Blind-Side" Divorce
Look-out For The Blind-Side Divorce
My client is depressed and discheveled: He or she is in a lot of shock and pain. I have seen this situation over and over again for 30 years.
The person tells me that they "never saw it coming" and now, suddenly, their mate's "mind is made-up" and they are leaving. All too often there is little to be done except help the blind-sided individual cope as effectively as they can.
There are many reasons for the blind-side break-up or divorce.
One frequent reason is that the departing loved one has found someone else to love. Sometimes the blindsided one did the same thing. Occasionally this is because someone has issues with loyalty. More often the dying relationship had an affair because it had been dying for years, it had grown increasingly empty and one (or both) did nothing to save it.
Often, what has happened is that one or both members of a couple (married or not)have stopped making the other person a priority in their lives, they stopped telling and showing, in countless ways, how special the other person is and how much they love them. They have stopped being friends and taking time to plan fun things and play together. These things can happen to a once good relatinship for many reasons.
Finally, there is mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse/addiction, and physical or emotional abuse.
The fact is that loving and caring feelings and emotions in a relationship can wither and die-out if not fed and nurtured. This degenerative process can progress beyond the point where many people are unwilling to work to repair their relationship.
Fail to deal effectively with any of these problems and growing resentment, anger and disgust, along with the belief that nothing will ever change, can destroy your relationship. This process is often slow and insidious and it can take years to develop.
Look for signs of trouble and talk them over. Listen to feedback from trusted friends and loved-ones. Act earlier rather than later, acting earlier is symbolic of your love, acting too late is frequently symbolic of fear and dependency. Seek the assistance of a Ph.D. level psychologist experienced in relationship counseling. Personality testing is often very helpful to this process.
Look-out for the blind-side divorce and the great damage it can do to families and their children.
God Bless, Dr. Tom
4/24/10
My client is depressed and discheveled: He or she is in a lot of shock and pain. I have seen this situation over and over again for 30 years.
The person tells me that they "never saw it coming" and now, suddenly, their mate's "mind is made-up" and they are leaving. All too often there is little to be done except help the blind-sided individual cope as effectively as they can.
There are many reasons for the blind-side break-up or divorce.
One frequent reason is that the departing loved one has found someone else to love. Sometimes the blindsided one did the same thing. Occasionally this is because someone has issues with loyalty. More often the dying relationship had an affair because it had been dying for years, it had grown increasingly empty and one (or both) did nothing to save it.
Often, what has happened is that one or both members of a couple (married or not)have stopped making the other person a priority in their lives, they stopped telling and showing, in countless ways, how special the other person is and how much they love them. They have stopped being friends and taking time to plan fun things and play together. These things can happen to a once good relatinship for many reasons.
Finally, there is mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse/addiction, and physical or emotional abuse.
The fact is that loving and caring feelings and emotions in a relationship can wither and die-out if not fed and nurtured. This degenerative process can progress beyond the point where many people are unwilling to work to repair their relationship.
Fail to deal effectively with any of these problems and growing resentment, anger and disgust, along with the belief that nothing will ever change, can destroy your relationship. This process is often slow and insidious and it can take years to develop.
Look for signs of trouble and talk them over. Listen to feedback from trusted friends and loved-ones. Act earlier rather than later, acting earlier is symbolic of your love, acting too late is frequently symbolic of fear and dependency. Seek the assistance of a Ph.D. level psychologist experienced in relationship counseling. Personality testing is often very helpful to this process.
Look-out for the blind-side divorce and the great damage it can do to families and their children.
God Bless, Dr. Tom
4/24/10
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Our Operant Behavior
Our Operant Behavior
In some ways operant behaviors are the most important of all of our behaviors. We will therefore discuss operant behavior first. A good general way to identify which of our many behaviors is operant is to identify its physiological roots. Operant behavior is influenced by our central nervous system (our brain and spinal chord) and it is executed by thinking and/or by moving. This may sound simple, but of course, it is not. We use movement to talk, write, send email, to make and rear children, and to make war, etc. Movements require the use our skeletal (striped) muscles, which involves so much of our operant behavior.
The Simple Contingency
A simple contingency (con-tin-gin-see) only specifies that one thing must happen (a specific behavior) before another thing happens (a consequence). It includes only a behavior and a consequence.
So, for example, if you want the door to open, you must turn the knob and pull or push. If you want a home loan you must select a mortgage company and make-out an application. The door is likely to open and the loan likely to be granted, contingent upon your doing the appropriate behavior. Similarly, a child may learn to make a polite request because that gets him what he wants. Or, a child may learn to throw a temper tantrum because that gets him what he wants.
A more complicated contingency involves three separate things. This is called the three-term-contingency and it involves 1. the situation or events that happen before a behavior, 2. the behavior, and 2. the consequence. Operant behavior takes place in the real world in countless fluid ways. But all operant behavior can easily be seen in this before, behavior, and after context. From birth to death we are immersed in a universe of three-term-contingencies. Again, the three parts to the world of our operant thoughts and actions are.
1. The stimuli or cues from our environment that precede our actions.
2. Our specific behaviors or actions in the presence of those stimuli or cues.
3. The consequences of our actions that may strengthen or weaken the probability that we will do those actions again in the future.
Human operant behavior changes as its physical and social environment changes and as the consequences of behavior change. We should not miss the fact that normally the most skilled sailors live by the sea, the best trackers and hunters live in the forest, and the best mountain climbers live in the mountains. When people in these environments behave effectively they are rewarded: they eat well and prosper. If they fail to do so, they may perish.
It took a detailed scientific analysis, based upon E. L. Thorndike’s (1987) Law of Effect, to understand and appreciate how the environment shapes our behavior into complex bundles of actions that are both common among most everyone and also those that are unique to each of us. The law of effect relates to operant behavior and, as you may recall, it simply states that consequences control operant behavior.
Dr. Tom 4/21/10
In some ways operant behaviors are the most important of all of our behaviors. We will therefore discuss operant behavior first. A good general way to identify which of our many behaviors is operant is to identify its physiological roots. Operant behavior is influenced by our central nervous system (our brain and spinal chord) and it is executed by thinking and/or by moving. This may sound simple, but of course, it is not. We use movement to talk, write, send email, to make and rear children, and to make war, etc. Movements require the use our skeletal (striped) muscles, which involves so much of our operant behavior.
The Simple Contingency
A simple contingency (con-tin-gin-see) only specifies that one thing must happen (a specific behavior) before another thing happens (a consequence). It includes only a behavior and a consequence.
So, for example, if you want the door to open, you must turn the knob and pull or push. If you want a home loan you must select a mortgage company and make-out an application. The door is likely to open and the loan likely to be granted, contingent upon your doing the appropriate behavior. Similarly, a child may learn to make a polite request because that gets him what he wants. Or, a child may learn to throw a temper tantrum because that gets him what he wants.
A more complicated contingency involves three separate things. This is called the three-term-contingency and it involves 1. the situation or events that happen before a behavior, 2. the behavior, and 2. the consequence. Operant behavior takes place in the real world in countless fluid ways. But all operant behavior can easily be seen in this before, behavior, and after context. From birth to death we are immersed in a universe of three-term-contingencies. Again, the three parts to the world of our operant thoughts and actions are.
1. The stimuli or cues from our environment that precede our actions.
2. Our specific behaviors or actions in the presence of those stimuli or cues.
3. The consequences of our actions that may strengthen or weaken the probability that we will do those actions again in the future.
Human operant behavior changes as its physical and social environment changes and as the consequences of behavior change. We should not miss the fact that normally the most skilled sailors live by the sea, the best trackers and hunters live in the forest, and the best mountain climbers live in the mountains. When people in these environments behave effectively they are rewarded: they eat well and prosper. If they fail to do so, they may perish.
It took a detailed scientific analysis, based upon E. L. Thorndike’s (1987) Law of Effect, to understand and appreciate how the environment shapes our behavior into complex bundles of actions that are both common among most everyone and also those that are unique to each of us. The law of effect relates to operant behavior and, as you may recall, it simply states that consequences control operant behavior.
Dr. Tom 4/21/10
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Two Basic Kinds of Behavior
Two Basic Kinds of Behavior
There are only two kinds of behavior in humans and other animals. One kind of behavior is called Operant Behavior because it “operates”, or acts, on the environment. Most important, operant behavior is controlled by its consequences. Consequences are said to “control” our behavior because they increase (strengthen) or decrease (weaken) the future frequency of the behaviors they follow. Consequences influence our operant behavior probabilistically, not absolutely. For example, a child who is praised for helping with a chore, is more likely to help others in the future. A child who is allowed to push another child down and take their toy, is more likely to be aggressive to others in the future.
The only other kind of behavior is Respondent Behavior. The word respondent means that these behaviors are reflexive responses to specific stimuli. Common examples of our respondent behavior are being startled by a loud noise, snapping our had away from a hot flame, or salivating when we put food in our mouths.
As you will see, these two apparently simple kinds of behavior, and they ways they can be learned, are of huge importance to the lives of fellow citizens and to our socioculture.
Dr. Tom 4/20/10
There are only two kinds of behavior in humans and other animals. One kind of behavior is called Operant Behavior because it “operates”, or acts, on the environment. Most important, operant behavior is controlled by its consequences. Consequences are said to “control” our behavior because they increase (strengthen) or decrease (weaken) the future frequency of the behaviors they follow. Consequences influence our operant behavior probabilistically, not absolutely. For example, a child who is praised for helping with a chore, is more likely to help others in the future. A child who is allowed to push another child down and take their toy, is more likely to be aggressive to others in the future.
The only other kind of behavior is Respondent Behavior. The word respondent means that these behaviors are reflexive responses to specific stimuli. Common examples of our respondent behavior are being startled by a loud noise, snapping our had away from a hot flame, or salivating when we put food in our mouths.
As you will see, these two apparently simple kinds of behavior, and they ways they can be learned, are of huge importance to the lives of fellow citizens and to our socioculture.
Dr. Tom 4/20/10
Monday, April 19, 2010
Our Own High Risk
Our Own High Risk
Whenever we overlook the roll of the natural principles of psychology in shaping the behavior of our citizens and our culture, we do so at our own high risk.
Stand-by for the principles!
Dr. Tom 4/19/10
Whenever we overlook the roll of the natural principles of psychology in shaping the behavior of our citizens and our culture, we do so at our own high risk.
Stand-by for the principles!
Dr. Tom 4/19/10
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Top-Down Influences on Culture
Top-Down Influences on Culture
Of course, bottom-up influences are only part of the picture. There are also very powerful top-down influences on our population’s behavior as various levels of our government adopt laws and rules that can strongly affect, even regulate, how people behave to each other. Some examples of top-down influences are the profound growth of government control, increasing taxes and the legalization of pornography, gambling, marijuana (under the pretext of medical applications) and a media that increasingly attacks traditional family and religious values and showcases antisocial behavior through its many venues.
What happens in our culture when top-down influences evolve that are in strong conflict with traditional bottom up influences; or, when subcultures bring their own dramatically different top-down and bottom-up forces into our existing socioculture? What happens to families and the future citizens that they produce when science and technology alter the physical, social and moral environment dramatic ways? How do these environmental changes impact the principles of psychology that shape the ways in which we and our children see, feel and behave toward each other?
These are only some of the “big picture” concerns that need our closest attention. It is good to mention these major issues now, because these are the ones we must attempt to answer in the end. With some of these larger issues in mind, we can be on the look-out for the smaller (seemingly insignificant) factors that may be powerfully related to big and very important cultural outcomes.
We will return to these big picture concerns in due time. But, in order to understand the larger dynamics of cultural change, we must first understand a few key principles of psychology and how they powerfully influence the behavior of individuals within a population.
Dr. Tom 4/18/10
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Of course, bottom-up influences are only part of the picture. There are also very powerful top-down influences on our population’s behavior as various levels of our government adopt laws and rules that can strongly affect, even regulate, how people behave to each other. Some examples of top-down influences are the profound growth of government control, increasing taxes and the legalization of pornography, gambling, marijuana (under the pretext of medical applications) and a media that increasingly attacks traditional family and religious values and showcases antisocial behavior through its many venues.
What happens in our culture when top-down influences evolve that are in strong conflict with traditional bottom up influences; or, when subcultures bring their own dramatically different top-down and bottom-up forces into our existing socioculture? What happens to families and the future citizens that they produce when science and technology alter the physical, social and moral environment dramatic ways? How do these environmental changes impact the principles of psychology that shape the ways in which we and our children see, feel and behave toward each other?
These are only some of the “big picture” concerns that need our closest attention. It is good to mention these major issues now, because these are the ones we must attempt to answer in the end. With some of these larger issues in mind, we can be on the look-out for the smaller (seemingly insignificant) factors that may be powerfully related to big and very important cultural outcomes.
We will return to these big picture concerns in due time. But, in order to understand the larger dynamics of cultural change, we must first understand a few key principles of psychology and how they powerfully influence the behavior of individuals within a population.
Dr. Tom 4/18/10
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Saturday, April 17, 2010
Bottom-up Influences on Culture
Bottom-Up Influences on Culture
Psychology has traditionally studied countless environmental influences on the behavior of individuals. In recent decades some psychologists have started to analyze ways in which principles of individual and group behavior can lead to cultural changes. For example, how hundreds of thousands of people raise their children will have a far-reaching impact upon the future collective behavior of our population.
Changes in the ways that these children grow to behave amongst other people will influence their perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behavior for better or worse. The summation of these influences which constantly swirl through our population is a big part of the cultural changes that we all experience.
A clear, though sad, example of such bottom-up cultural change is the child born in a ghetto to a single unemployed drug addicted mother. Such a child will likely suffer neglect, abuse, drug addiction, school failure, gang membership, and engage in violent crimes against others. This is a tragedy for the child and for all others who’s lives his behavior will influence (family, social workers, teachers, police, medical personnel, victims, and those who work in our court systems, penial employees, and victims). What we fail to see is that it is also a tragedy for the various institutions that employ these workers that are increasingly overwhelmed and we tax payers who are required to pay more of our hard-earned income to keep these institutions solvent.
A far more desirable bottom-up cultural influence would be a mother and father who are committed and loving mates and parents. These parents have children that they can afford to raise under healthy conditions. They identify and agree upon their childrearing goals, set appropriate limits for their child’s behavior and use humane and effective methods to teach their children the many skills and abilities needed to live well and do good things with their lives. These parents will provide teaching consequences to their children, but they will also understand that their children will watch them and imitate their actions. Therefore, they too will seek to live well and do good things with their lives and for their children in order to “show them the way”. They generally show kind, courteous, encouraging and loving behavior to their children, to each other and to others. All of this makes it likely that these children will grow to treat their own children and others in similar ways.
The parents in this positive example will also protect their children from the toxic effects of our entertainment media which showcase profanity, drugs, sex, violence and other irresponsible lifestyles. When children repeatedly witness these damaging behaviors, they are prone to imitate them with bad effects for both them and society.
From moment to moment, in any society, such individual “grass-roots” bottom-up human events are occurring by the billions. Without question, the behavior patterns learned by children who’s behavior is shaped by parents, families and their communities become a major influence in the evolution of our whole culture.
Dr. Tom 4/17/10
Psychology has traditionally studied countless environmental influences on the behavior of individuals. In recent decades some psychologists have started to analyze ways in which principles of individual and group behavior can lead to cultural changes. For example, how hundreds of thousands of people raise their children will have a far-reaching impact upon the future collective behavior of our population.
Changes in the ways that these children grow to behave amongst other people will influence their perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behavior for better or worse. The summation of these influences which constantly swirl through our population is a big part of the cultural changes that we all experience.
A clear, though sad, example of such bottom-up cultural change is the child born in a ghetto to a single unemployed drug addicted mother. Such a child will likely suffer neglect, abuse, drug addiction, school failure, gang membership, and engage in violent crimes against others. This is a tragedy for the child and for all others who’s lives his behavior will influence (family, social workers, teachers, police, medical personnel, victims, and those who work in our court systems, penial employees, and victims). What we fail to see is that it is also a tragedy for the various institutions that employ these workers that are increasingly overwhelmed and we tax payers who are required to pay more of our hard-earned income to keep these institutions solvent.
A far more desirable bottom-up cultural influence would be a mother and father who are committed and loving mates and parents. These parents have children that they can afford to raise under healthy conditions. They identify and agree upon their childrearing goals, set appropriate limits for their child’s behavior and use humane and effective methods to teach their children the many skills and abilities needed to live well and do good things with their lives. These parents will provide teaching consequences to their children, but they will also understand that their children will watch them and imitate their actions. Therefore, they too will seek to live well and do good things with their lives and for their children in order to “show them the way”. They generally show kind, courteous, encouraging and loving behavior to their children, to each other and to others. All of this makes it likely that these children will grow to treat their own children and others in similar ways.
The parents in this positive example will also protect their children from the toxic effects of our entertainment media which showcase profanity, drugs, sex, violence and other irresponsible lifestyles. When children repeatedly witness these damaging behaviors, they are prone to imitate them with bad effects for both them and society.
From moment to moment, in any society, such individual “grass-roots” bottom-up human events are occurring by the billions. Without question, the behavior patterns learned by children who’s behavior is shaped by parents, families and their communities become a major influence in the evolution of our whole culture.
Dr. Tom 4/17/10
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